Thankfully I've been seeing a doctor here in Lansing who is well known for her expertise in Rheumotology. Since going to her about a year ago she has diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Joint Hypermobility Syndrome......all very difficult things to explain, but I will do my best. It seems that my major joints (elbows, shoulders, hips, knees, fingers, feet) all have the ability to overextend natural mobility and cause me intense amounts of pain. This can be very hard since doing things physically (even simple things like brushing my teeth) can be painful and discouraging. The Fibromyalgia is similar in that it creates pain throughout by body due to over stimulation of the nerves. There are certain parts of my body that hurt more that others and these are called pressure points (ex. back, arms). With the pain comes something called Chronic Fatigue which is an inability to have energy or do simple things without feeling extremely tired and exhausted. With this is a pretty weak immune system that makes it hard for me to overcome illness and an increased ability to get sickness easily.
All of these working together make it very hard to do physical activities without feeling pain and lack of energy. Besides the physical difficulties, I struggle emotionally understanding how to manage and deal with these problems. It is such a balance of taking care of my body, but also trying my best to live a life that is joyful and somewhat normal. I try so hard to make my life look normal to outsiders, but people close to me know that it is far from the case. I sleep a good amount and I plan out my days according to how much I think I can do without feeling completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I struggle missing out on things and making the choices based on physical need rather that emotional need most of the time. More often than not I worry about the choices I make regarding my time, and have a difficult time feeling like I'm lazy or don't do enough.
Even with all of this, I have joy. It is not a fake joy that comes out of having a positive attitude or minimizing my struggles. It is a joy out of knowing that I belong body and soul to a wonderful Father and God that knows me and has made me to glorify him in all that I do. I know that through my faith in Christ; that he willingly became a substitution and died for me on the cross and carried my sins so that I may have a relationship with God and be righteous to Him, I will have an eternal life with Him in heaven. I have this gift and choose to believe that my life, regardless of what it looks like, can be a living testament to God's goodness and will glorify Him by being a light in this world. Sickness and poor health was given to me and I was meant to use it to glorify Him in ways that I don't even know yet. All I know is that I can hold tight to his promises that he knows whats best and know that he is a faithful God that is sanctifying me and using this to make me more like himself.
I hope this encourages people to realize that the Lord uses weak people to show his strength. There are so many stories of this in the Bible (Gideon in Judges) where God uses those that look weak and shameful to the world to bring himself glory. I choose to be thankful for my sickness and find hope in believing in his goodness and mercy. Day after Day I rely on his grace and strength to get me through. I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure I struggle, cry, worry, feel pain, get frustrated and discouraged, but I make the choice to believe truth and to know in my heart that I have a God that loves me and cares for me. I run to him daily to receive what I need and choose to sing of his glory instead of wallowing in my own hurt.
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